My story, Part 1: Hell on earth....

"When I become 30, my life will go to hell..."




Those were the words I said, as a joke, when I was 29 years old. I didnt know then, that those words soon would become my  reality...




Until that moment, I had a "normal" life, status married with two children, working 100%, areobic instructor
in my leisure. We was renovating our old house by ourselves, at the same time as we lived in a non-functioning marriage.  Since then I have learned a great deal about myself and my life. The direction had been "wrong" for many years, I just didnt know it. I didnt know then, what kind of patterns I was running over and over. I was not  conscious of it. I didnt have any knowledge of how the body works, how thoughts, feelings and reality is close related.





11. May 2007. I will never forget it. I was at work at the hospital when I felt that "something" happened in my head. Then, suddenly, I could not remember anything, I was dizzy and wanted to faint. I was sent to the emergency room and examined. They found nothing. It wasnt until several hours later that  I started to recognize my body, and it was delicious. But in the evening it all started over again .... what happens?




I did not know it then, but I just had experienced my first panic attack. I was not aware that it is possible to become so sick .... To make a long story short, I have been through all types and degrees of anxiety, all the symptoms of the list. The panic attacks was so strong that I threw up, lost the feeling in the face, legs and arms. I hid myself under the covers, was unable to be with my kids or go out, could not eat and went quickly down 10 kg. Did not sleep for several months, heard only the heart that pounded like a freight train inside the chest. My hands trembled, my  tongue was shaking, all the muscles in the body stiffened and it was hurting all over. The lymphatic system worked poorly. This was followed by depression, gastritis, hormones out of balance, more and extreme anxiety. Anxiety is the most horrible feeling there is. I was getting worried that I was about to go crazy.




Desperate, I tried to find help. At my doctors office, psychologist, psychomotor therapist, the local health food store,  like-minded, online .. But my situation was getting worse and eventually I was taking so strong medication to sleep that I could not move. The muscles were completely knocked out, but I was still not sleeping. At the psychologist office I could not get any help. ZERO. He was superior and had a bad attitude. He looked "down" at me. I came to see him once a week. All he wanted to know, was how I felt. No advice on what I could do to get better. But he wanted to give me happy pills. I did not want any. Will I become well again?  I asked. No, the anxiety, it will be there always, he said. I did not come back to his office.




I did not know then, that I could not get the help I needed OUTSIDE of myself. The key, all I'd need, lay hidden somewhere I would never think of looking; INSIDE myself. I did not know, that I was the teacher I wanted, that I, little me, be able to fix all this ...




I went out into the woods to find the answer within myself. A wise woman told me to do so. A strange feeling ... When was the last time I listened to myself? What happened then, when I finally listened to myself, was that it all bubbled over. All the terrible things I had experienced, all the suppressed emotions came out, situation after situation rolled through my awareness. I could not stop it. Then I got an enormous pressure in my head. I got back home and went into the shower. Then, my body litteraly collapsed.  The muscles were relaxing, I could hardly walk. From there, it was not long before I was lying in bed without having to manage shaking and I could hardly walk. All the muscles in my body lost their function. On top of everything, I had got ME.





I asked to be admitted to a psychiatric clinic, I wanted to be drugged and slip away. You are too healthy, the doctor said ...




I got brainfog and did not even remember my own name. Lay in bed and had to have dinner there, could barely lift my hand to eat. Pull yourself together, my mother said ....




It became worse and worse.




The bottom was reached.




The thought of life was worse than the thought of death....